I have been blogging in my head for years. Of course back in the day, it wasn't called blogging, it was called talking to yourself. The Internet just legitimized this habit and allowed me to actually get my brilliant mental diary out to others. I haven't been disciplined to actually put my thoughts to the page because i have been running at a seriously aggressive pace that is hard to stop. I can't promise that I will stop and do
This often but here I go. Since I potentially really am only taking to
myself, the risk for disappointment seems relatively small.
It has taken me seven weeks to unwind from my work pace. I was pretty
ready to return to work until last week. And then it hit me... I am not
going to be spending my days holding my baby for much longer. Now the
pre-baby me didn't have a problem with this at all. Taking care of the
child was another thing on my list of balance that I was going to
delegate. No problem, no emotion...matter of fact. And then he stopped
crying and started smiling at me. I began repeating the phrase (in a
googly voice) "oh!! Are you smiling at mama? Do you love mama?"
My former self is shocked but not quite appalled...just confused. Who
is this person inhabiting my body? Where did these emotions come from?
Did I seriously make a baby that cute?
People who have witnessed this transformation are amused and the mothers
in the crowd just look at me with a knowing smile. They ask, "so does
that mean that you want to quit your job?!" I just shake my head no.
Because the conundrum is that I really love my job too. I love it on
the bad days when someone is criticizing me to the point where I
question myself. I love it on the good days when I see a student
learning to love knowledge and wisdom. And I especially love graduation
day ehen both of those students achieve their goal. So I have these two
loves and I will give a little away pursung both of them. However I do
know that when you are living in your calling, that is the best you that
you can offer people. So MACU will get back a little different me,
Jessica the Mom. And Myles will grow up knowing that I have two voices,
professional Mom and ooey gooey mom. I think I can live with that.