Wednesday, August 19, 2009

More than Humility

Just when you think humility is enough, weakness is knocking. I just got this unbeliveble promotion. And when I say unbelievable, I mean, seriously, I am shocked. It was a crazy ride but at the end of one year, I got my boss' job. Long story short, (though the long story is avaiable) after praying for the entire Spring semester about what my purpose is, God made it extremely evident that he has made a straight path for me into places that under other standards, I may not be qualified to go. Was I Surprised? A little but it has solidified in my heart that truly nothing is impossible for him. Because of this I can laugh a little when we put up these "standards" that we think will prevent us from going somewhere because the truth is, if God wants it to happen, it can happen sooner and more astoundingly than we could have ever hoped or imagined.

Ok, back to reality now. So God takes me on this trip of excitement and I was overwhelmed by his choice of me for this role. In the most minute, miniscule way, I felt like Mary (the mother of our Lord) as she realized that God had chosen her. Too young, underqualified (ie, not married) and from a no-name family. All of those things describe me. And I was humbled by the thought that God was using me to accomplish a plan that he had yet to reveal but was obviously working on.
....UNTIL, bam! Humility and honor turn the corner and run right into weakness. I mean really, I thought dependence on the Lord and a humble spirit was enough. That's biblical right? Well before you delight in humility, watch out, weakness for the purpose of TOTAL dependence is right around the corner. I suppose that I should be rejoicing in this weakness but I find that I am not sure how. Honeymoon periods are supposed to last longer than a week. Not this one I guess.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel honored to be a part of God's plan but the joy in the honor has slipped away for a while. Edged out by stress and a dizzy headache. It is good that God does not show me more than the next step. I am sure I might have pulled a Jonah on this one. So now I am just hanging by a thread that sometimes doesn't feel strong enough to hold me. This too will pass and I pray that in the mean time I am refined to be the woman that God is so carefully carving me to be.