Tuesday, September 8, 2009

So this is how you get fat....

I am in a workout slump. I think the last time I was this inactive, I had spasmonic dysphomia, in the fifth grade. That little spell took my vocal chords and my activity for about 9months. This time, I have no excuse. Usually when I get depressed (see anxious, stressed) , I don't eat, I run. A good bout of stress and or depression will usually knock off a couple of pounds. Not this time. It seems that this time, I have run out of margin. There is nothing left to push me to run and I am not running. I am walking in fact. Just to put it into perspective, walking for me is the last noble push from my deflated self motivation. Walking much like the elliptical machine, is what happens just before immobility and sleeping. I wish I had some sort of physical ailment to blame it on. There is that back burner thyroid problem but this bout of non-motivation came on conspicuously at the same time as my new job. Strangely, I have alot of energy for my job. I went to work at 7am two mornings in a row, voluntarily. I am supposed to be there at 8. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with my zeal for my career, I am just not sure how it is linked in and sucking the life out of my love of running.

If you see my former athletic shadow, send her my way. My clothes and running partner would appreciate the help.

Depressed Runner in 2009

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

More than Humility

Just when you think humility is enough, weakness is knocking. I just got this unbeliveble promotion. And when I say unbelievable, I mean, seriously, I am shocked. It was a crazy ride but at the end of one year, I got my boss' job. Long story short, (though the long story is avaiable) after praying for the entire Spring semester about what my purpose is, God made it extremely evident that he has made a straight path for me into places that under other standards, I may not be qualified to go. Was I Surprised? A little but it has solidified in my heart that truly nothing is impossible for him. Because of this I can laugh a little when we put up these "standards" that we think will prevent us from going somewhere because the truth is, if God wants it to happen, it can happen sooner and more astoundingly than we could have ever hoped or imagined.

Ok, back to reality now. So God takes me on this trip of excitement and I was overwhelmed by his choice of me for this role. In the most minute, miniscule way, I felt like Mary (the mother of our Lord) as she realized that God had chosen her. Too young, underqualified (ie, not married) and from a no-name family. All of those things describe me. And I was humbled by the thought that God was using me to accomplish a plan that he had yet to reveal but was obviously working on.
....UNTIL, bam! Humility and honor turn the corner and run right into weakness. I mean really, I thought dependence on the Lord and a humble spirit was enough. That's biblical right? Well before you delight in humility, watch out, weakness for the purpose of TOTAL dependence is right around the corner. I suppose that I should be rejoicing in this weakness but I find that I am not sure how. Honeymoon periods are supposed to last longer than a week. Not this one I guess.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel honored to be a part of God's plan but the joy in the honor has slipped away for a while. Edged out by stress and a dizzy headache. It is good that God does not show me more than the next step. I am sure I might have pulled a Jonah on this one. So now I am just hanging by a thread that sometimes doesn't feel strong enough to hold me. This too will pass and I pray that in the mean time I am refined to be the woman that God is so carefully carving me to be.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Still Sleeping

This post is an actual question. I am not looking for someone to give me scriptural proof texting to back up what I rebelliously want to do instead of God's best. What do you think about getting up early. Honestly, when I do get up early, I love it. However, I am having a love affair with my pillow that has been on-going and idolatrous for years. I need sleep, seriously. But, I also love sleep. It is like a hobby, a friend. I sleep when I am tired physically, emotionally, spiritually. I love sleeping.

Lately though, I have been learning about prayer and being devoted to prayer because I genuinely want to grow closer to the Lord and see his Spirit empower my work and life... And move more fluidly to his guiding voice on a daily basis. So I am praying and I am reading and thinking and we don't have cable so that we will spend less time idly. However, I find that getting up early is a stumbling block for me. It is hard to get up early and even harder to let the first thing that I do be prayer. I have prayed that my body would want less sleep to try to help this out. i think I would have to go to bed at 8:30pm in order to get up early enough to do what I would like in the morning.

All of that to say, Here is my question. What do you think about morning times? How do you get up early and make it through the day? Is it better to get up with the Lord rather than go to bed with Him? What are your thoughts? Rebuke me, teach me, fill me in, I am open.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Talk is Cheap

The Lord has been pressing into my mind the need for me to eliminate empty words from my life. More specifically gossip. Now I have always treasured words and their power to encourage a heart or enrapture a mind. But they have a dark side. A powerful dark side. Everyone has experienced the slow death to part of themselves because someone has poisoned their mind and heart with an unkind, godless, empty word.

I have been reading 2 Timothy for some time, for reasons unknown to me...just reading. This morning, this is what I read: "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly." 2 Tim. 2:15-16

It seems that my ability to acurately handle the word of truth may be directly tied to my abililty to acurately handle my vocabulary. How many times do I idly talk about someone or something in a less than honorable way? How often do I indulge in juicy gossip or even in empty conversation that isn't necessary? It is really the godlessness of our words that I think endanger us. It is the conversations that contain an air of nothingness. No life...not really death...just emptiness. We have been given such a power to speak power and life into others. Perhaps the emptiness just takes away from that power. Please God show me what this means for my mouth.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


I sometimes feel plagued by my personality. Not in a feel sorry for myself kind of way but in a way that makes me want to lock myself away until I can straighten up a bit. I have this introversion about myself. I think too much. When my thoughts don't really fit into the conversation, I find myself rescinding into the recesses of my own mind.

Last night was one such incidence. We went to bible study and I was jazzed up to talk about the chapters but as it has happened more than not, when the discussion opened, it took a turn that I was confused about. Where are they going with this? I wonder to myself. How did they get that out of this reading? I keep thinking. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid to interject, I just can't wipe the scowl- slash- look of confusion off my face or find a place to put my voice in this conversation. I end up feeling like somehow I have become a liberal thinker...something I have never really been acused of being. Since when have I been the feminist?

Today I find myself still needing to discuss this book that was just like resounding music in my soul. But I can't. I can't even describe what is going on in my mind. Instead, I find something more like clanging symbols in my heart. I couldn't even figure out how to pray this morning because of this inner frustration that I thought I could sleep off. I find myself withdrawing from this community that is making me uncomfortable. Oh introversion, don't plague me now. Be strong frail heart, be open small mind.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Just a hint

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Eph. 4:31

I was laying in bed last night, contemplating the danger and poison of bitterness...any bitterness, just a hint can ruin every semblence of peace and joy that you have. It is like taking a shower and still having dirt under your fingernails...you are mostly clean but not quite and that not quite corupts the mostly. Then it spreads...everything you touch becomes not quite clean. That is the way bitterness works in hearts. We are mostly joyful, mostly peaceful but then on the wrong day, the wrong words come out about the wrong thing and there it is, for everyone to see....bitterness. Sometimes we can cover it in sarcasm or laugh it off or even apologize out right for its existence. But undealt with, It just leads to dirtier and uglier growing bitterness that begins to cloud and color areas in your heart that never knew the life stealing sting of embedded anger that has begun to cling to the walls of your soul trying to blend in with the surroundings. And that's the thing, bitterness starts out as something that can blend in. It is sneaky, a joke here, a comment there, a sly look of judgement only shared with our inner selves and somehow our heart's gatekeeper becomes less discerning of who and what he lets into the home for of our souls. The roots of bitterness begin to move throughout our foundation and crack all that we found to be pure and lovely.

We have a rescuer...we must fight with Him and ask him to cut down the mess that has taken us captive and caged our heart away from joy and peace. Allow right anger to burn against the sin that so easily entangled us away from Him.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Identity and relationships

"Women are in relationship with others for the sake of the relationship, not as a means to something else. These interpersonal relationships elicit autonomous satisfaction, giving a woman a better sense of her individual identity. By simultaneously merging autonomy and connectedness, women demonstrate a symbiotic process in their psychological lives." --Ruthellen Josselson

This idea is something that I love about women. We hold deep within ourselves a deep need to relate to others for relating's sake. It is important to our souls that we connect with others. This is a beautiful need that we have, that God placed in us for a purpose. Granted, we all mess with that vulnerability in ourselves and others. It is uncomforatable to need something from someone else and not be able to control the results of asking for it to be filled. This is the place where risk and vulnerablity are the most beautiful to me. We say, I need you because I need you, that's all.

This is the place where I ask for God's grace the most because I am scared of what happens when you ask for a relationship and instead of finding mutuality, you find rejection. However, I am resolutely convinced that the risk is worth the reward. That this gift, this powerfully vulnerable and needy gift is holy. What is worth having without risk? We know who we are in the face of crisis when it does or does not work out the wa we pictured in our mind's eye. We know who we are becoming, either way. This mirror called relationships is what is necessary to help us become who God intends for us to be and it helps us know when we are too off the mark from that goal.

I love who I am becoming and I am thankful for those in my life who are in relationships with me for the sake of the relationship. You are a gift!